Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Martian Death Flu
An Invasion from Mars:
Get your feet up - and don't move
By Dave Barry
We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an offi-
cial name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu."
You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had
another setting on your electric blanket, up past "High", that said:
"Electrocution".
Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth because [a] your
teeth hurt and [b] you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of
your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagtites
that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how
the police would find you.
You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
I spend a lot of time lying very still and thinking flu-related
thoughts. One insight I have had is that all this time,scientists have
been telling us the truth: Air really IS made up of tiny objects called
"molecules." I know this because I can feel them banging against my body.
There are billions and billions and billions of them, but if i
concentrate, I can detect each one individually, striking my body, espe-
cially my eyeballs, at speeds upwards of 100,000 miles per hour. If I try
to escape by pulling the blanket over my face, they attack my hair, which
has become almost as sensitive as my teeth.
There has been a mound of blankets on my wife's side of the bed for
several days now, absolutely motionless except that it makes occasional
efforts to spit into a Kleenex. I think it might be my wife, but the only
way to tell for sure would be to prod it, which I wouldn't do even if I
had the strength because if it turned out that it was my wife and she were
alive and I prodded her, it would kill her.
Me, I am leading a more active lifestyle. Three or four times a day,
I attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Unfortunately this is a distance of
nearly 15 feet, with a great many air molecules en route, so at about the
halfway point I usually decide to stop and get myself into the fetal
position and hope for nuclear war. Instead, I get Earnest. Earnest is our
dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that
timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she
tries to lick my ears off.
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high point of his entire
life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He
has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old gets when he suddenly
realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet
and neither parent would have the strength to object. He has been foraging
for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food"
substances that are advertised only on Saturday- morning cartoon shows,
substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal
reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez
Lumps o' Froot ["part of this complete breakfast"].
Crawling around, my face inches from the carpet, I sometimes encounter
traces of colorful wrappers that Robert has torn from these substances and
dropped on the floor, where Earnest, always on patrol, has found them and
chewed them into spit-covered wads. I am reassured by this. It means
they are both eating.
The Martian Death Flu has not been an entirely bad thing. Since I
cannot work, or move, or think, I have been able to spend more Quality
Time with Robert, to come up with creative learning activities that we can
enjoy and share together. Today, for example, I taught him, as my father
had taught me, how to make an embarassing noise with your hands. Then we
shot rubber bands at the participants on "Divorce Court." Then, just in
case some parts of our brains were still alive, we watched professional
bowling. Here's what televised pro bowling sounds like when you have
the flu:
PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN: He left the 10-pin, Bob.
COLOR COMMENTATOR: Yes, Bill. He failed to knock it down.
PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN: It's still standing up.
COLOR COMMENTATOR: Yes. Now he must try to knock it down.
PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN: You mean the 10-pin, Bob?
The day just flew by. Soon it was 3:30 p.m., time to crawl back
through the air molecules to the bedroom, check on my wife or whoever that
is, and turn in for the night. Earnest was waiting about halfway down the
hall.
"Look at this," the police will say when they find me. "His ears are
missing."
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Random Thoughts
Why do people get mad at you then not tell you why they are mad? It drives me crazy. I am not a perfect person nor will I ever be one. I generally don't intent to upset anyone, but sometimes it does happen. Now this person is going to be mad at me and not tell me why, worse they are going to be hidden mad and take it out on me in other ways. Just tell me what I did wrong, I promise I will fix it or at least feel really bad about it. If you don't tell me there is a problem I will not know there is a problem. I am as perspective as a brick wall, and just about as fast as one too. More importantly if I don't know something is making you mad, I will do it again. I say if you don't tell me the first time I did it made you mad, then you don't get to be mad the second time.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A Conversation With God
Me: I hate you.
God: Why?
Me: Everything is your fault, everything is your plan. So it is all your fault.
God: If it is my plan then it is happening as I want it too, you just don't understand.
Me: Then explain it to me. Why do people die young? Why is there war? Why is there cancer? Why do babies die? Why do you let this horrible things happen?
God: I could answer all of those questions, but I know that is not really what is bothering you. You are only truly worried about yourself. You only want to know why you don't get what you want.
Me: You took everything from me, and I am suppose to just expect that. Why does everything have to be your plan. Why can't my plans be important too. What about what I want. What about the house and car I want. The family I had planned, the job I needed. What about my happiness? You left me to fight for myself and I did. I continue to fight everyday for what I want, but all you do is say no that is not my plan. Why should I care about your plan if it doesn't include what I want. Why should I let you guide me when I can do it by myself.
God: I can grant you eternal salvation. You will live in paradise forever if you just follow me.
Me: And if I don't I have to go to Hell. That is no choice you wave your hand and cast me away for having my own ideas about my life. That hardly seems fair. I hang on to my anger and never seem able to forgive. Is that part of your plan, me being so damn stubborn. Is that what you want for me.
God: I want everyone of my children to come back to me. I cry forever lost soul, but that is the price I pay for granted you free will. I want no followers who don't believe. I force no one to follow me, it is your choice.
Me:......
God: I made you the way you are so that you can grow. If you had not gone thru everything you had in your life you would not be who you are. For every thing you have gone thru has made you a stronger and better person. You can learn to forgive, and let go of your anger you just have to ask. You did become who you are overnight, and you will not change overnight. I could take it all from you in a moment, but then you would no longer be you. I made you this way for a reason and you are still a part of my plan.
Me: I have never asked for anything from anyone that is the hardest thing to do. My sinful pride will not let me.
God: You say yourself it is your sinful pride. I have always been there just waiting for you to ask. I will grant you these things, and the entire kingdom of heaven. Just let me help you. Let go of everything and let me guide you. I will show you the way.
Me: God please forgive me for I am full of sin. You know my daily struggles and can truly see my heart. Help me to forgive and accept your wisdom. It has taken me 30 years of fighting but I see now that I can't do this by myself. I have denied you at every turn so sure that my way was better. I now that you where only trying to show me the path. Help me to let go of my anger and to grow as a person, but more importantly as a Christian. I accept now that everything I have now in my life is because of you. Help me to use everything I have to be the person you know I can be. But most of all help me to be humble and let you guide my path.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
God’s Creation
By Cassandra Brown
English
Drifting back a single place stands out in the writer’s memory. Using the five senses, sight, taste, smell, sound, and touch Niagara falls, Ontario, Canada can be described. Also the sight of the rolling water and the sound of the surrounding activities a person may experience are going to be explored. The taste of the salty mist and the sense of being a small dot on the map are given in detail. Niagara Falls is an amazing sight that indulges all the senses, because it is something only the hand of god could create.
The rolling water comes down the river like a freight train ending with the wonderful sight a woman stands gazing at in wonder. Standing there not knowing how this amazing wonder even began. Did it begin as a small stream or has it always been this massive hole of wonder. The twinkle of light that fall upon the strip at night look as though the night sky as fell to the ground. On occasion some will see the rainbow of lights that fall upon the Horseshoe Falls.
Distracting a sight seer the sounds of the strip filter out over the sound of the falls. The small carnival gives off the familiar sound of children’s laughter. The grinding sound of the fairest wheel grinding to a haul as lover exit hand in hand, tenderness in their hesitant giggles fills the night air. The overwhelming sound of the tourists muddling about, showing that the Falls are something that is share between families, friends and strangers.
The salty smell enters the nose as the new explorer crosses the rainbow bridge into paradise. While walking along the strip the days of old fasion caramel popcorn and taffy drift to one’s nose. While a tour on the double decker bus brings smells of sunscreen and the woman that left the hotel with a little too much perfume are burned into the memory. Flowers paint the causeways like a Picasso painting, filling the air with sweet smells of a backyard gardens.
While your senses are now almost filling to the brim, stepping back in aw, the viewer realizes what a small speck in a vast world. Taking the time to slow down is sometimes hard to find. The peace founded next to the Falls is like the first night a new born sleeps through the night. It takes a life time to find absolute peace and a moment to lose it. So a true seeker cherishes every moment in God’s wonder.
Him
By: Cassandra Brown
English
Is he a friend, a lover, a savior? This man fall into all of these categories. In great detail I will describe how this wonder human being pulled me from the depths of despair to comfort me. Also I will explain the new formed connection we have that makes us one. I was lost and he saved me, because of this I am the person I am this moment in time.
Smack, rock bottom this girl hit it hard like a ton of bricks. Then out of nowhere a friend of many years reached out a life line. He put himself in the middle of violence and pain to give a lost soul salvation. He pulled me in giving me strength to stand on my own. To stand up for the things in life that is right. He has always been there in front of me, but I was blinded by temptation.
Love, passion, and partnership are all a part of my life thanks to this saving grace. I am free as a bird to live and become what God intended for me. A smile something so unfamiliar is now a part of my daily wardrobe. He tells me am beautiful and smart. He says I can do anything in this world. At the end of the day I can’t wait to fall asleep wrapped in his arms. All those years behind the eyes of a friend were the love of my life.
I was lead off the path of happiness to be hurt and defeated, think that no one could love me. If I would have just stopped for one moment and looked into the eyes of a friend I would have found what I was missing. He was there when others were not and he comforted me when I was beaten and bruised. Now I cherish every moment I spend gazing into his eyes and being wrapped in his arms, because I know someone finally looking back.
Monday, March 12, 2012
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Saturday, February 25, 2012
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